Hey my sweet buns,
Today’s topic is loooove, l’amour, l’amore. And how to know if you are dating the “one”, what to ask, what to not do and more to help you on your coupling journey. This is the ultimate roadmap, the stuff I wish I was taught at 16 when my first serious relationship started and exploded in my face. ***BAAAAM*** What a rough ride I’ve had….
As I said in this video about the danger of isolation, loneliness kills. That’s scary as fuuuuuuuuuudge!
But it’s not a reason to jump in the first relationship opportunity that shows up. People aren’t Pokémon’s, you are not supposed to fetch me all!
So let’s look at what professionals say on the topic.
1.Don’t trust the butterflies
According to Dr Laura Berman, if you had trauma in your childhood like addict or abusive parents, when you go on a date and feel like you have known this person your whole life and feel butterflies in your stomach: Run away!!
She says that butterflies are a sign of familiarity. You recognize the patterns and behaviors that you grew up with. It doesn’t mean you’ll have a happy healthy relationship.
Kill’em butterflies!
Okay, you don’t have to run away literally. That would be rude. If you feel like you can be yourself with them, it’s a good sign. Go on a couple more dates and get to know them better before getting into a serious relationship. Take your time to make sure you are not reproducing an old pattern.
2.Learn the 5 Type of attractions
According to Jay Shetty there are different types of attractions one may experience.
First you have:
Physical attraction
Wowa-weewa!
You are turned on by their beauty and physical appearance.
Financial attraction
Look at their car! I wouldn’t say no to a ride… that’s a pick up line… get it?
It’s all about their status, what they own, what they achieved.
Mental or Intellectual attraction
I just love how you think
It’s about their mind and how they articulate themselves.
These types of attractions are all about chemistry. It’s superficial but doesn’t mean it’s not important.
Next level: Compatibility
Like
Emotional attraction
You are so kind darling.
It’s how emotional intelligent a person may be, how supportive they are
Spiritual attraction
The truth lies inside, my kindred souls!
It’s their values, on a deep level.
The first three types of attraction, chemistry, you can feel them many times a day . Go to a cafe and see a pretty barista ***BAM*** Sparkenhosen!
It’s a good starting point but can’t be the only thing to build a relationship. And I may say the two last ones can’t be the only one either. It may sound silly but if you start a relationship because someone is great but you don’t feel physical attraction well….It won’t work either. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you are not attracted by their body, smell and so forth, these are also important indicators of a good match based on your pheromones or your biology.
I’m in love with the shape of you!
Wherever you start, get to know the person, make sure you have chemistry and compatibility. It’s not because they have a PhD that they are supportive.
Now how to chose after you get beyond the attachions level? How do you know if there is compatibility?
To chose a partner you have to first, know yourself.
Know thyself!
And get to know your partner before you commit.
Know theyselves?
3.Learn the 6 Needs
First let’s look at our needs:
According to Tony Robbins, humans all share six important needs. But depending on how we grew up, the first ones of our list, or the driving force, may defer. What are you these needs?
1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure
If your dream job is a 9-5, that may be you!
2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli.
You need an adventure everyday?
3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
All you need is …me!
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something.
If you are single you ll have a bunch of pets waiting for you at home.
5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
Avid podcast listeners? Like me?
6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others
Do you love volunteering?
When you decide to partner up with another human, you must share similar needs. If your first need is certainty you will want to create a stable and somewhat repetitive rythme in your life. And if your partner s first need is variety, they will want to do something different every day. These two needs are in opposition and will create a lot of tension in the relationship.
The one looking for stability will feel like they can never relax while the other will feel constantly bored.
Not good.
Here is the Driving Force quiz.
4.Know thy personalities
Every personality type have their own quirks. It’s good to know yours but that doesn’t mean that you are stuck in a way of functioning. You can know if you are falling into your own trap. Like if you are a INFP or mediator you tend to be hopeless romantic and idealize your partners. If that’s your case make sure you use all these tools described in this post before jumping into a relationship.
Finding someone who communicates emotions in a way that makes sens to me was a game changer for me. For instance, Someone who is very reactionary and expresses their feelings loudly is not for me, and I will seem very closed off to them. The personality test is a good way to see who’s what.
Try these personality quizzes: 16 personalities and Five Thirty Eight
5.learn the 5 Love languages
According to doctor Gary Chapman there are 5 love languages and which ever is your predominant will dictate how you feel loved. We usually learn our main language as kids. We tend to reproduce what our parents did or may need what we feel like we have lacked at home.
What language do you speak?
Words of affirmation?
You are so beautiful darling!
Quality of time
Let’s throw away our phones and just look into each other eyes.
Acts of service
Let me carry these bags for you!
Receiving gifts
Here s a little present for you!
Physical touch
I wanna hold your hand!
The love language that comes the most naturally to us, tends to be the one we understand the best. Of course, all these signs of affection are nice but finding a partner who speaks the same love language will make life so much easier for you. If you are already in a relationship, share this tool with them, learn each other’s language and show your love in a way they understand.
So what language do you speak?
Here is the Love language quiz.
Wanna know more, check out his book here.
For me it’s definitely physical touch then quality of time. But words of affirmations are nice. Acts of service is nice in times of need and gifts are fun but I prefer buying stuff myself.
6.Know your values
Make sure you know your values first before getting to know your partners. Some good questions to ask yourself:
What is your system of belief?
How do you see relationships?
Do you take ownership of your feelings?
Are you working on your traumas?
You can also check the Love Questions. Apparently by asking these questions you may fall in love with the person. It’s really about creating a connection with someone, but these are great suggestions.
With these answers you can see where you stand and ask your date to see where they stand. And doing that really early on a date can help make things clear before you get attached to the wrong person.
7.Talk about it right away
I don’t believe in the standards romantic movies sold us, so I talk about these things on the firsts dates to make sure we are on the same page. If I like the person and feel a strong connection with them, I keep dating them and see where things go. If their answers are completely different Thant mine, I’d rather not waist my time, because break ups are horrible!
Conclusion
There are many great tools to try out when you are in the pre-relationship phase. It’s worth trying them all. And if you don’t want to use them, that’s okay, but make sure you talk about what matters to you, share how you feel loved, talk about how you argue and solve problems. Get to know the person before committing because life is short, your time is limited and you are worth being loved for who you are.
Luca Nicora 